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Apr. 26th, 2008

thoughtful

Kharmic Retrabution is so brutal...

location: My Parents
mood: amused
music: Strawberryfields Forever- the beatles
Yikes... I've been thinking about the past lately. Like old relationships and I ended up finding some old friends/ ex's live journals. I looked at them on the dates that we were together and after we werent together and such I wow! I've never felt so horrible.... I took so many people for granted people who loved me and going back and reading them I just now realized how much I hurt them and only now after being hurt so badly do I understand how they feel and I'm just sooo sorry and I never ever wished that feeling on any of them and all of them I felt so deeply about and I truly did care and still do about them and they really did have an impact on my life. It's so like me to realize this three years after the fact of it mattering lol well if any of them ever read this They should kno That I was repaid three times worse than what they felt. And after what I read it was deserving. I've been in my own little self pity party for almost a year now and  I finally realized that I deserve what I got.   

Posted at 10:57 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

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Apr. 24th, 2008

thoughtful

You sit there in your heartache,Waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways...

location: Work
mood: disappointed
music: something by Maroon 5
Is it bad that the title is so true...? Well my weekend did not go as planned lets just leave it at that I'd rather not re live it ya know?
I've been in such a funk lately and I seem to be taking it out on every one or maybe their taking it out on me I haven't quit figured it out yet. Nothing seems to be going right theses days. It just seems to be going. I'm just not where I want or expected to be  in my life right now. I should only have one year of school left but I don't I have two and I hate school I used to love it now its just a challenge to even go to swim class.  It kills me to to do anything for school and I don't know why. I should have a steady boyfriend almost engaged but  I'm the farthest thing from that. I can't even figure out what i even want when it comes to guys lately. I used to be so sure of things. I was gonna be an Athletic Trainer for a high school  so I could have a family. I was gonna finish school in 4 years with all kinds of jobs lined up and after graduating I would get engaged to my perfect guy who I had met and dated all through college who was gonna have some perfect job lined up in which we would move and I would take a job where ever he did. BUT NONE OF that happened  or is gonna happen . I feel silly for all that cuz its kinda naive but Its just what I had planned and the me in high school  would hate the me now . depending on men was never my thing they were always just purses you know handy usually but really just something extra to take care of. It just wasn't a priority. but now its kinda like well where is my Mr. right? and what am I doing with my life ? and Who am I if I don't know the answers to those first two questions? And if i don't figure them out now when am I gonna figure it out? I wish Some magical fairy tale creature would pop out of the wood work and be like here everythings perfect. Sadly I know it isn't gonna happen and life isn't a perfect fairy tale but if there was a way to make it that way I'd do it!

"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus But he talks like a gentleman Like you imagined When you were young"

Posted at 08:03 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Apr. 18th, 2008

drinking

A dream Grows will you kiss it with your lips...

location: work
mood: cold
music: In love with a girl- gavin degraw
I can't believe I drove home last night.... I  suppose I should explain how I started my weekend early last night. I thought I was just gonna have a nice quiet evening with julia and K and some wine. Nothing crazy no going out. So  go over there after work  and they have boys over bleck lol boys and there stupid boy penises mess everything up.  They decide were gonna go to chelsea's because a band the guys like is playing. SO we go its a pretty good band actually  and the guys were good company so after a few drinks in us we get on the dance floor lord my heals were killing me. But it really was a good time. However many drinks later I shouldn't have driven home haha. I woke up on my couch still dressed lol. I also had the cutestest weirdest dream. I was living in the dorms next to the boys. It was strange me and tuse were still doing the I like you I hate you thing stupid! But he was being extra nice and we planned this huge crazy party I'm not really sure how the rest of the dream went but  it  was cute I remember that.  Ah well hopefully tonight will be just as fun. =)

Posted at 05:06 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Apr. 17th, 2008

pretty

If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt...

location: work
mood: calm
music: Independent - lil weezie
I have never had a guy frustrate me more in my life! I mean he literally makes me crazy?! He makes me soooo freeking mad like fuming mad and then Confused and then sad and then stupid? an Then I like him? I don't understand ? It rediculous. One minute he doesn't like me and wants nothing to do with me then I ignore him and hes all up in my business and being nice and such. GAHHHHHHHHHH I just want to scream and yell at him and then just pounce on him. NEVER in my life NEVER have I been so silly about a guy. I don't understand why he gets under my skin so bad.Its  stupid He's not even that great yet theres something about him that just draws me to him. He's smart and then he's a smart ass, He's the cutest thing ever but sometimes so ugly , I've wittnessed his sweet side and I've had him be a complete jerk to me, And the WOW ughhh what is that really? like is the real world that bad that you have to escape it with a damn game ALL THE TIME!! his friends even think its bad . when guys notice that other guys aren't acting normal you know its bad. And I'm crazy cuz not only have I gone back and forth between hating and liking this guy Ive wasted like a million and five breathes on him haha The girls hell even the guys  are tired of me bitching about him and yet why can't i just be finished with it I keep saying I'm done I'm done and then one little thing happens and it gets me all Flustered  all over again. It makes no sense.

So I'm looking forward to this week hopefully it will get my mind off all this retardedness and yes I enjoy making up my own words. So mandy is coming town yay!! and then were bound to get in to trouble with kristen =)  Hopefully a good couple of drinks will set me straight and not naked or crying that'd be great haha!

Posted at 04:40 pm | | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

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normal

Some people Just don't want to be fixed....

location: My Room
mood: restless
music: Lay Down - Priestess

So for some reason I've just needed to get stuff off my chest and I feel if I bitch any more to my friends They might kill me. I used to have One of these things a long time ago and I got rid of it because of stupid highschool bull shit but I feel its needed these days. 

I just don't understand people including myself. How do feelings just change? And why can't you change them ? Theres this guy He's PERFECT on paper for me. For the most part he treats me like a princess. Any girl would be lucky to have him and he likes me? And what to I do? OH  I LIKE the ass hole who doesn't give me the time of day! Explain that one  to me? well he used to give me time of day. He used to be sooo sweet to me and give me all kinds of attention. And then it was the weirdest thing it just stoped without warning. I went home for the weekend  and came back and it  was like a totaly different person was there and I was nothing to him. I just don't understand how that happens? How can you be so close one minute and then nothing. It was so easy for him to turn if off and me I'm still sitting over here trying to figure out how to make it not overflow.  I have other guys talkin to me or trying to talk to me and I'm just not interested the only ones I'm remotely interested in live so far away it doesn't even matter. The the Perfect One I can't fall in Love with? I TRY and TRY and it just doesn't work? I want to know how guys do it? turn their feelings on and off? It isn't fair. I feel like I lost my one true love and I will never get it back. Will I ever feel that way ever again? Am I being to judgemental? Am I just Nieve?  I want that Love again . I want it to be rediculous, and can't live with out them , and overwhelming and  every time I think about that person I want it to make me giddy and smile, I want to miss them everytime I'm not with them,I want  those phone calls that just say I love you, I want them to sing  to me, I want surprise drives to no where, I want to lay in bed with them all day and laugh, I want them to be my best friend, I want something amazing again Is that to much to ask for?  Maybe it is but I can't help it. Just like Mr. Perfect  and Mango boy don't want to be fixed Neither do I .

Posted at 01:52 am | | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend